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4 Things I Learned from the Worst Online Dating Profile Ever

Well then nobody wants to date you because your sexist, racist, sexist, homophobic, sexist, xenophobic, misspelled, sexist dating profile helpfully conveys what a Poe's law -level of asshole you are, and the fact that you have proudly listed your failings as though they were virtues conveys that your pool of romantic partners is amusingly limited to Russian spambots you two will make a lovely couple.

Let's not beat around the bush: If you have ever cried "friend zone! Oh, we'd love to have you, but with the lineup we've got, we can't see you making it off the bench.

For those blissfully ignorant of the concept, the friend zone is that unbearable set of circumstances in which a person of the opposite sex is So how could this potentially be a problem? Because -- and this is the optimistic interpretation -- some people can only conceive of a relationship with the opposite sex in terms of the differences between those two sexes: Which would make perfect sense if the analogy wasn't as wrong as it's possible to be.

Try this one instead: Men and women are like So, I guess, like cats?

The 5 Most Ill-Advised Dating Sites on the Web

Cats might be the easiest way to crystallize that analogy. Friendship is an endgame state, with a little flag and triumphant music and anywhere from one to six fireworks, depending on how long it took to complete the stage. That's the secret bonus level -- and if it wasn't, more people would have fucking found it. So when another person wants to be friends with you, it's absurd to presume that the two of you are moving in the exact wrong direction.

If friendship isn't good enough, then what else isn't good enough? Work on making friends and connections for now, and then surprise maybe you'll find you become the kind of person whose dating profile is that of someone who genuinely seems mature and well-liked. What do you have to lose, other than a bunch of swords? Fight scenes are the metric by which the six main genres of film are measured.

Online Dating Profiles: Translated [CHART]

Nothing feels better than saving a few bucks by pulling off a DIY project. Don't make me do this again. Don't have an account? The same goes for online dating. Just look through those menus with a healthy dose of skepticism, and maybe your next Grand Slam will be everything that you expected. Check out more of Dennis's musings on dating and relationships here. Please type the following code. Don't make me do this again.

Sign in with Facebook. Don't have an account?

4 Things I Learned from the Worst Online Dating Profile Ever |

Please enter a Username. I agree to the Terms of Service. Something still wasn't right. I just wasn't finding the kind of amoral psychopathy that I'm accustomed to on the Internet. I wanted the kind of girl that wouldn't just be a lover, but an accomplice. The kind of girl that that would help you steal a wheelchair from a Goodwill because you twisted an ankle and it's a long way to the bus but mostly because chair-wheelies are the funnest.

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The kind of girl who would love you -- not in spite of your compassionless resentment for everybody that's not you, but because of it. Kaitlyn Purdy, from The Atlasphere -- an objectivist dating site.

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That's totally true, and way funnier than anything I could come up with here. Kaitlyn brought a wolf for me to fight, and refused to speak to me until I'd bested it in battle.

I did so, easily. Because there are three things that I'm the tits at: Barbecuing, Mega Man 2 and finding lupine pressure points. I thought we'd mack a little after that, but she just laugh-cried manically over the wolf corpse until her face turned purple. Also, she was driving an Aztek and that's literally my only deal breaker. So the normals wanted safety, the whores wanted real money and the objectivists wanted to have their Wolf Duels and their living wolves, too. It seems like the main problem with dating these days is that everybody wants something.

Why Dating Websites Are Ruining Dating

So what about the man who has nothing to offer? What about the man who has nothing valuable to contribute, say, think or do?

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Where is his place on the Internet? Terry Moffle, from Dating Twitter -- a place for spambots to meet, and fall in love. I know, I know: I really should've nailed this down before agreeing to the date, but I guess I just figured that, since I didn't understand you, you had to be female.

But you have to look at me before we do it. You have to look at me in the eyes, Terry. I'm not a whore. But he couldn't seem to keep eye contact; he just kept screaming the names of websites at squirrels. I recognized the Virgin Airlines and Skechers logos emblazoned beneath each nipple, but the rest were unfamiliar, and I didn't feel like they engaged me socially, so I didn't pay any attention to them. When I left Terry, he was clawing keywords into the bark of a tree with his bloody fingertips.

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  • To my amazement, I'd actually found a dating site that was beneath me. If you'd told me that was possible a few days ago, I would've spit in your face and stole your car, because that's what I do to liars and people with faces and cars. So what happens to people like me? Is there nowhere on the Internet for a man to meet like-minded people with no morals, no potential and very little concern for their own well-being or the well-being of others? There is a place like that.

    A dark and abyssal place, which I'd swore to never tread again Jennifer Chow, from Craigslist Personal Ads -- a place to find love and a lightly used couch with only moderate bloodstaining, at the same time.

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